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As every teenage boy knows, freedom is defined not by the number of democratic principles enshrined in a country’s constitution, but by the amount of sex you can get when you go to that country.

Imagine, as a teenage boy, walking about in a wondrous citadel of fantasy and carnal desire, a plenitude of goddesses wafting through the streets, your every sexual whim potentiated by a mere glance. This is probably how Copenhagen, and Scandinavia in general, is viewed by the many sex tourists who come to Denmark each year.

Naked run for free tickets at the Roskilde Festival. Nakedness is never censored in Danish media.

Danes are commonly seen as “very relaxed about sex”. But that phrase is perhaps a bit loose, prompting the mind to wildly gallop off in all directions. What does it mean? Can I go up to any girl in the street and ask her to sleep with me? Yes, you can. Will she comply? No, not very likely. Almost certainly not at all.

What are your intentions, son?
It might come as a shock to the teenage boys of the world, but Danish girls are not any more promiscuous than girls anywhere else. The culture is certainly more educated about sexuality than, say, Somalia – or even the United States. Sexuality in Denmark is approached rationally, to use a precise word. When girls and boys start to show interest in each other during adolescence, instead of suppressing this interest, as is the norm in most countries, it is encouraged.

The age of consent in Denmark is 15, and most parents see nothing wrong with having their children have sex in the safety of their bedrooms. In fact, parents are very open and supportive of their children’s sexual development, and the nay-saying and fearful attitudes that seem to plague traditional cultures are refreshingly absent in Danish homes. The stereotypical apprehensive punk boyfriend making timid conversation with a brutish, baseball bat-wielding father is stuff of grotesque American sitcoms. My own expectations when I met my future father-in-law were summarily undercut by the surreal normality of the situation.

Toward a phenomenological approach to Viking underwear in contemporary visual arts
Danes have been open about sex and sexuality since they took the lead in the sexual revolution during the late post-war years. They were one of the first countries to legalize pornography, and the global cultural repercussions of this new kind of openness is why Denmark’s reputation as a sexually tolerant country persists until today.

During the 60s and 70s the pornography scene in Denmark was quite mainstream. One Easter a few years ago, one TV channel (TV2 Zulu) had a weekend-long porn special, during which it showed nothing but back-to-back, home-grown Danish porn. For the sake of very important scientific and sociological research I was doing at the time, I decided to spend my Easter weekend in front of the TV. Many of the movies were from the 60s and 70s, and instead of obscure porn stars with colourful names and fake body parts, these movies featured respected, household-name Danish actors of the time.

Here’s surreptitiously looking at you, kid
Danes have a natural way of approaching their sexuality, which should make it easy as pie for my teenage-boy self to position himself strategically and reel in as many hot babes as he likes. It would be the ideal, were it not for the fact that Danes can be a bit complex.

How do you know whether a Dane is sexually interested in you? The short answer (with few exceptions): you don’t. Flirting is not a phenomenon that has really caught on in the northern hemispheres quite yet, and if it had, it certainly has a way to go to develop into the art that it should be. I mention in earlier posts that Danes are extremely private and practical people. First, flirting is intrusive. Looking at someone suggestively is just udansk (un-Danish). You’re violating their personal space. Second, flirting is not practical. Why flirt with a good-looking person on the bus just for the fun of it? It’s not going to have a tangible outcome, so why waste your time?

So what does the Danish mating ritual look like? From what I’ve heard it is quite direct, akin to the time-tested method of thumping a potential candidate on the head with a big stick: you get very drunk, go out to a dancing place or something similar, and when you wake up from your stupor to examine your catch, you decide whether to keep it or not. It saves you a lot of time and possible social embarrassment, you get to be half unconscious while you do it, and it has a surprise factor, which is a nice bonus.

Turn off the Enlightenment, baby
But with all this talk about the Danes’ demystification of sex, how has it affected the actual enjoyment of sex? Is sex not supposed to be shrouded in mystery and suspense and have a sense of novelty? Isn’t this what gives mental impetus to an otherwise purely physical activity? Is imagination not the most powerful aphrodisiac?

It is certainly true that unfettered imagination combined with abject ignorance has proven to be a prime ingredient in a disastrous sexual history, from the nonsensical prudishness of Victorian sensibility to the genital mutilation that seems to be prevalent in many tribal cultures. But to what extent have the Danes, through putting the whole subject under the glaring and unsexy lights of reason, managed to cull sexual imagination, if at all?

This was one of the first Danish words I learned before coming to Denmark. The person who taught me the word looked at me very earnestly and said “Mark, in Denmark we have this thing called ‘hygge’”. In the most reverend of tones he laid out the concept for me, and like a sorcerer’s apprentice at his master’s feet my mind’s eye swelled with a myriad shimmering impressionist dreams of harmony and contentment in faraway lands.

A "hyggelig" evening

Hygge is a state of comfort, peace and warmth while in the company of loved ones. It represents a great deal of how Danes relate to each other. An agreeable person who exudes good vibes can be described as “hyggelig” (hygge-like). A place can be hyggelig. After a night out with friends, upon meeting again, one would say “Tak for sidst. Det var hyggeligt” (Thanks for the last time. It was hyggeligt). And in the imperative, if you want to wish someone a pleasant time, you can simply say “Hyg dig” (Hyg yourself).

Hygge seems to be more of a nighttime phenomenon. A teenage party in the civic hall, with soft drinks, a spotty DJ playing Aqua and Gypsy Kings, and a battery of white neon tubes glaring down from the ceiling is not hyggeligt. The preferred mode of illumination for creating hygge is the candle. A hyggelig dinner is accompanied by slightly dimmed lightbulbs and two or three candles. If, like me, you develop the idea that the number of candles is directly proportional to the amount of hygge created, you will be sorely mistaken. One night we had guests over, and in my enthusiasm I lit so many candles that my wife had to tell me to tone it down, since we were “not hosting a satanist ritual slaughter”.

In fact, had it been a satanist event, it would have been described as “uhyggeligt” (un-hyggelig). Uhyggelig is not quite the opposite of hyggelig, as with the teenage party; it roughly translates as “creepy”.

However, hygge, as a phenomenon to understand, is as elusive as it is subtle. I am quite sure that if no one had told me about hygge beforehand, I would never have noticed it. I don’t think it is as unique a phenomenon as the Danes make themselves believe it to be. In fact, I think that hygge, as it exists in Denmark, is born out of the cluelessness that most Danes seem to have where hospitality is concerned. I mentioned earlier how awkward Danes get when you show up at their door unannounced, expecting a cup of tea and a quick chat. The only possible way to see your Danish friends is to plan an event weeks in advance, and in my view this time functions as a kind of hygge gestation period. The hygge needs time to warm up and mature, to get used to the idea of its own existence. Far from being the default Danish state of mind, hygge is rather the antithesis of aloofness and reserve, which much more accurately typifies the Danish character.

Hygge, as a word, also exists in Norway. Actually, it originates there. As a concept, I’m sure it exists in all countries where the long and persistent gloom of winter forces the human imagination to come up with any alternative to the slow descent into inevitable melancholia.

But the Danes have chosen to own the idea, to make an active study of it and turn it into an obsession. Many academic papers have been written on the subject, it is often the subject of lively social debate, and most Danes’ eyes seem to brighten at the mere mention of the word. If you run out of things to say at a party, ask a Dane to explain hygge to you. Not only will you learn a few things; you will also earn a few extra points for showing such interest in their most quintessential social commodity.

In Korea everyone asked me whether my country also had four distinct seasons, as they seemed to believe that their country was unique in this respect. The Chileans were always going on about how imaginative and funny their slang was, and could talk about it all day. South Africans like to ruminate endlessly about their own brand of hospitality and understanding of cultural diversity — again, as if they are the world masters in these matters. For the Danes, all the world needs is a couple of candles (not too many) and a good dose of lukewarm, two-week-old, ready-to-consume Danish hygge.